Review: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

Well obviously, there is gonna be spoilers in this post, so whoever hasn’t read the books/seen the movie and wants to be spared the suspense, then I suggest you don’t read this post. But if you’re curious, go right ahead… But don’t say I didn’t warn you. xD

So this is my second review, the first being for the Malay movie Hantu Dalam Botol Kicap (loosely translated to mean ‘Ghost in the Soy Sauce Bottle’… literate translation).

 

 

When I first heard of the movie (keep in mind that all I knew of it at the time was that it’s about Abe Lincoln, and vampires), I thought that both characters couldn’t have been more contrast. I mean come on, 16th President of The United States Abraham Lincoln and VAMPIRES?? What, are they gonna say that Abe was some secret vampire or something?

Close enough.

Apparently Abe was awake writing his book one night when he heard sounds, and then he saw someone come in their house… And bit his mom. Yes, that was a vampire. And I bet y’all get the gist of the rest of the story now. LOL.

 

 

So fast forward a few years, and there was a guy who met Abe in a bar after Abe had sworn to take revenge for his mother. And that was the night that Abe found out that hey, vampires can’t be killed with a normal gun, they can only be killed with SILVER! (*DINGDINGDING* JACKPOT!)

I had to admit though, the first time the vampire Jack Barts (the one who had bitten Abe’s mother, causing her to die the next day) made his ‘appearance’ as a vampire, I was a little… intimidated.

 

Ok, FINE, I was scared.

 

Horror movies are not my thing; never were. I’m too much of a coward. ><

 

Although I wouldn’t call this movie a ‘horror’ flick, I was still afraid that I might spend the entire movie having my eyes down on the floor or attempting to look as if I was watching it when I really wasn’t. Thankfully though, I got over the image of the rotting, pulled-skin flesh of the vampires and was able to watch the rest of the movie… And even averted my eyes SLIGHTLY during the oncoming, a-little-too-predictable suspense scenes.

And as you might have suspected, obviously the reason Abe wanted Henry to train him to be a vampire slayer was to, first and foremost, avenge his mother’s death. Henry, of course, tells Abe that to be serious in this, he won’t be able to have any friends, family, or loved ones, because very obviously, the vampires would go after your loved ones to ‘torture’ you.

BUT… I find that Abe killed Jack a little too easily.

Sure, there was a horse stampede taking place and Abe had to jump from horse-to-horse to try and catch Jack, fell from a small cliff… There was even a part where Jack lifted a horse and threw it at Abe. I found that hilarious. xD Poor horse, the thoughts that must’ve been going on in his head…

 

Horse: *runrunrun*

*gets lifted and thrown*

“DAFUUUUUUQQQQQQ!”

 

I kid, I kid… But after all the jumping, rolling and riding (THE HORSE, I MEAN!), Abe manages to kill Jack with a silver bullet. But of course, the movie doesn’t end there.

So not heeding Henry’s words, Abe goes off and and gets married, and has a son. Long story short, ‘Main Vampire Guy’ Adam goes after Abe’s family, and kills his son.

After a long time of ‘putting down his axe’ (the main weapon he uses to kill vampires), he seemed to have lost his touch. Because now, obviously, he has to avenge his son and redeem himself for lying to his wife.

And seperate from his past slaying days, of course Abe is now involved in politics as he’s a PM. So vast numbers of his troop of soldiers are killed in war (no points for guessing why). On the night before the ‘Big War’ where vampires and mortal would fight, (the vampires want freedom as well) they suddenly remembered: HEY, you can kill vampires with anything SILVER!

*cue heaven sound effects*

 

 

So they begin gathering everything silver they can find, and transport it by train to use as weapons.

 

BUT WAIT!

 

What is this scene of Speed (the boss of the shop that Abe works at) having a conversation with the lead female vampire and telling her about their plans?

*le gasp* TRAITOR!

 

BUT WAAAIIITTT!

 

Turns out he hadn’t betrayed Abe at all! Everyone was in on the plan (although Henry had warned Abe that Speed had betrayed them all, leading the vampires right to the moving train they were in), and in the little boxes on the train were not the silver things, but ROCKS!

AHA… TRICKED! Abe and his men in fact had discreetly carried the silver ‘weapons’ with them, and not put them in the boxes like they had Speed make the vampires believe!

Oh, and sad to say, Speed dies.

And of course, all ends well after that war.

But even this review is a long story. So if anyone asks you to give a gist of what the movie is all about, tell them this:

 

A group of all-powerful vampires got owned by a bunch of silverware.

 

Yeah, that about sums it up…

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