First trigger warning post?

Before I even start, let me make one thing clear: this post contains a suicidal trigger warning. More importantly:

NO, I AM NOT SUICIDAL.

I was, a good few years ago. It’s in the past, and I’ve gotten waaayyy over it. I just felt like I had to blog about this though.

So yes, I’m disclaiming a trigger warning right now. STOP READING NOW if it triggers you.

 

Ok.

I just came across this video through Tumblr.

So let me also say this: I respect and applaud her for speaking out and I can only imagine how painful it must be for her. This post is not meant to disrespect her or her experience, (or anyone with suicidal thoughts, for that matter) in any way. I am merely stating my own experiences.

So I’ve seen many  similar videos stating how people who are suicidal should ‘think about how sad their family/friends would be’.

I was suicidal once. And whenever I read that line anywhere, I’d laugh.

Because it wasn’t true at all for me. Bear with me when I say that the only things that were directed at me for the first 15-17 years of my life were insults. Not from my schoolmates; not even my friends, but mostly from my mother. My dad never said much, so it was pretty much useless to confide in him. And then there were the things that my grandmother, especially, said about me behind my back that I’d find out from my mother, who was more than happy to point out that she wasn’t the only one who felt that I was, quite literally, good for nothing.

But let me tell you that I did try to talk to my parents. I tried confiding in them how it made me feel. I told my mum, especially, how the way she was treating me made me feel like running away from home and was making me feel suicidal. Her answer?

Run away lah! Where are you going to go? And you want to kill yourself ah? You dare meh? You so chicken! You think you kill yourself, you’ll go to heaven ah?

Let me just pause from that and say that I never thought it could/would still affect me that way, but as I typed those words out, my hands shook. They’re still shaking as I type this. I never expected that to happen. My eyes are watering just remembering how it felt when she told me that.

I was probably 12 when she spat those words out.

I never had many close friends who stayed. Most of them either left, changed schools and lost contact, or turned out to be someone I hadn’t want to associate with.

I only had one friend who had been with me through thick and thin, and I’m proud to say that she is still in my life; and my best friend.

 

So back then when I hear words like ‘think about how you killing yourself will affect your family!’, and ‘imagine how sad you will make them!’, I laugh. Like, literally laugh.

Like, come on. I know you think that’s how it is and that saying stuff like that will make me wake up and realise how much of a mistake it’s gonna be. But no. My case is different.

Most suicidal kids are suicidal because of their peers, and some, their family too.

My mother had just bluntly told me that she doesn’t care what happens to me. So I thought, why not die? I’d be doing everyone a favour by not annoying the shit outta them anymore, stop troubling them and I’d stop being a nuisance. At the same time, I’d end my own misery, and finally be free from all the negativity. Win-win, no?

Because my mum was right about a few things: Where would I go? The only place I could go was my best friend’s house, and they knew it; they also knew where she lived because they’ve sent me there a couple of times (I was young, had no driver’s license yet, so…), and if I did dare run and ‘trouble other people’s family’, I’d have it worse when they find me. Also, where would I run to, seeing as I had no money with me? Sure I had savings in a bank but I was too young to withdraw the money out. Secondly, she’s right; I’m a scaredy cat. I wanted to die, but I’m afraid of pain.

One time in kindergarten, we argued and I told my mum I wanted to run away. She literally grabbed my hand and proceeded to drag me out of the house. I had a little bag packed with some clothes in it, and she took it and threw it at the door as well.

You want to run away right? Go la! You have nowhere to go! Your grandparents already said this house is mine (we were living with my mum’s parents at that time, and they had been on holiday), so I can do whatever I want. They can’t side with you now. And you don’t have to look outside for daddy, he will be away for a few days.

So you see why I scorn when I hear others say how ‘your family will be devastated’?

Devastated? Hell, my mum literally almost chucked me out herself! I was in kindergarten. I was 6 years old.

So I admit, I do get annoyed whenever I hear that ‘family will miss you’ bullshit. My blood will boil and I’d think, ‘you don’t know my family. They will be glad I’m gone, not sad.‘ I had always been the black sheep of the family and been living in my younger sister’s shadow since she was born, so that didn’t help either.

So just a little reminder to those who want to ‘help’ suicidal people by saying things like ‘your family will be heartbroken if you kill yourself’, make sure that person wasn’t going through what I did, because if anything, it would only encourage us to go through with it.

 

As I said though, that is all in the past. We’ve made up, and though there are still the little instances, it isn’t anywhere like what it used to be. Also, I’ve changed. I’m no longer meek and helpless. Still a bit of a scaredy cat, though.

I’m in no way encouraging suicidal thoughts or being suicidal.

Think of it this way: if you, like in my case, have someone daring you to kill yourself, do what you would normally do in a more normal circumstance; do the complete opposite and piss the hell outta your bullies! ;) If they ask you to go die, annoy the shit outta them by being strong and living, and continue to annoy the living daylights outta them. Trust me, nothing ticks them more than finding out that their method just doesn’t work on you!

Stay strong, people. <3 You can always message me if you need an ear! I swear I’ll reply to every single one. =)

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8 comments / Add your comment below

  1. I’m sorry that you went through that with your family. It sounds very much like your mother has/had a lot of unresolved issues of her own that she took out on you. I also don’t know what cultural norms are like where you live, and if an emotional detach from your children is normal (in some places it is).

    That being said, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know you said that you are not suicidal anymore, but maybe it would be beneficial to talk about your experiences and feelings with a therapist, who can help you to emotionally move past all that.

    My father committed suicide, and maybe he also thought he was doing everyone a favor and that no one cared, but 14 years later and we are all still affected. Your life has more influence on others than you think.

  2. So sorry to hear about your past! It sounded like my brother when he wanted to run away from home and mum literally chucked him out the door. He just sat outside for 4 hours before mum would listen to me and my aunt to let him back in,

    It’s just that it’s hurtful to your parents to hear them things so they’ll get really aggressive about it and then they’ll hurt you back for hurting them. It’s a vicious cycle :( It’s good that you’ve gone past the suicidal phase. It’s good to be strong but does take a lot to muster up courage to confront the past so I applaud you for that.

    I’ve had heard from friends who want to kill themselves but i think it’s more of an empty phrase on their behalf but they don’t realise how it affects their friends. It’s a sad thought and kinda hard to know what to say sometimes; all I can really do is listen and hopefully help them get whatever’s troubling them off their chest.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear you had to go through all that. I’m not good at giving advice about this delicate things, especially considering that I had the best childhood one could have, so I have no idea how this could affect a person. But I’m so happy to see that you are brave enough to share this on your blog, I don’t know if I would be able to do the same if I was in your situation!

  4. I think you are very brave to write about your experiences here. It sounds like you had a real tough time growing up. I think some people just don’t know how to deal with people who feel suicidal, and that’s when they say things like “think about your family”. I’ve never felt like this myself but I suppose one of the most helpful thing someone else could do is just listen to your problems, rather than making comments that don’t make matters any better. I’m glad you’ve learnt how to stay strong. :)

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