Just Words. =3

Here It Goes Again

So I haven’t been having a good 2 weeks. I’m currently struggling with matters of the heart, and my self-image issues are resurfacing once again and are teetering to the point of my all-time-low few years ago.

My inner turmoil is currently at what I would say a somewhat dangerous level; but it is not because the feelings are so intense to the point where it effects my life completely.

No. It’s dangerous simply because I’ve gotten so good at putting on a facade that I’m able to switch to a fakey cheery mood when I have to, and then sink back into depression when I’m alone. And the best part is, most people can’t even tell that it’s merely a facade. So either I’ve gotten so good at putting up a front that no one even notices, or it’s just that people are plain ignorant. And I dunno which of it is more assuring, if it even is at all.

Even in my state, I’m aware of how dangerous this is. I know how dangerous it is when someone bottles everything up inside, because when things finally get to the boiling point and bursts, the results can be fatal.

What’s even more dangerous this time around is that I haven’t had a cry over it, which worries me as well. Sure, I did shed some tears over it, but it ended fairly quickly and I hadn’t gone full frontal. Normally, I’d just sit in my room and get full frontal emo session about it, cry my heart out, and feel the slightest bit better.

Not this time. This time, it just feels like a dull ache. The dead kind. Sure, it still hurts, but I can feel that somewhere in the depths of my mind, it’s as if I’ve already halfway given up. And it’s a scary thought for the sane, logical part of me that still exists.

This time, it’s almost as if I’m afraid to feel. I’m afraid to fully acknowledge and confirm what I’ve  been knowing to feel since a little over a week ago.

There seems to be a semi-permanent lump in my throat. And, for dramatic effect, a little hole in my heart that leaks, where every beat of my heart steadily expands said hole.

Maybe it’s because I know I shouldn’t even be feeling this way; that I have no clue why this is particularly effecting me way more than I’d care to admit in the first place.

 

I haven’t had something effect my mood this long in a long while. Even now I can feel the dull ache thumping inside my rib cage.

I want to cry.

I want to get these feelings over and done with, and move on.

But something in me is not letting me do that. Something is making me unable to fully express my sorrow; thus making me unable to move on. It’s like a stagnant, and I’m merely floating through the days as they pass.

I’ve been getting tired exceptionally easy these days; all I want is to sleep just so another day ends.

I’ve been successfully thinking positive and looking on the bright side of things for about 2 years now, and… just like that, suddenly, it’s as if half of the positivity is abruptly gone in the blink of an eye.

And all of a sudden, my self-image issues are coming back full-force?

If I were my friend, I’d be worried for me. I am worried about me. I haven’t had this problem in a long while.

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4 thoughts on “Here It Goes Again

  1. *HUGS* I wish we could meet in person and have a nice little girl chat over a cup of coffee. I’ve been through a similar state, before I met my husband, but I am glad to share and reassure you that this kind of “low” in one’s life will pass. I could so relate, though, because my issues were also heart matters and body image.

    The best thing to do is to keep busy: studies, work, friends, movies, writing. Never stop taking care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you (I spent a lot of time with family, it worked wonders).

    Most of all, believe in yourself, your uniqueness and your talents and skills. Never let other’s perceptions and opinions get you down, girl.

    XOXO from sunny Oman!
    Love, Shin

    PS: I’ve been to Malaysia many times. Love, love, love it! Got many friends there, too :))))

    1. Haha! Your comment really cheered me up, thanks Shin! <3 I'm touched at the positive messages I've been getting.I've never been to Oman, but I heard it's really nice!

      P/S: We really should meet up! ;) haha

  2. I understand what you mean. I go through the same phases. I like to say when my cup is full (full of negative feelings, thoughts, etc.) I start to slip. I start faking being happy. During these times I wish someone would SEE me. See that I am faking. See that I am actually hurt. A hurt that is so bad sometimes I feel numb or worse wish I was numb. What do I do? I start my checklist again. Keep up my morning routines. Start my lists. List three things I am grateful for, three things I like about myself. And finally the mirror talking, telling myself, “I am strong, I can endure, I will thrive.” I repeat it every morning until it sinks deep. If you feel this is really bad. I would say seek help. I sought professional help, it wasn’t easy having to admit I needed it, but it did help. I also finally told friends what was going on. Surprisingly, they banded together and created the support system I needed to pull through. At the time I though since they couldn’t “see” me faking it they really didn’t care. It was far from the truth. Krystle, I wish all the best. I wish you will be strong, you endure, and you thrive.

    xoxo

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