I… have been doing a lot of thinking recently.
About everything and anything. I want to blog about it, but I have no idea where to start, because it all connects to everything else, one way or another. I don’t think I could start one topic without getting sidetracked because it links to another topic.
Yet, I miss blogging. It was, and will always be, how I express myself best. I was never any good at speaking; my emotions would always get the better of me and I’d end up not being able to form a coherent enough sentence to put what I want to say across.
I guess, in part, it is because as usual, my brain and my heart are suggesting two very different things. (For those reading this, whom at this point think I’m purely talking about my relationship, I applaud you. Goes to show that you know BATSHIT about me. *goes all ghetto and snaps fingers sassily*)
To be honest, I don’t even know what exactly it is that’s troubling me so much. One minute I’m totally fine, and the next I’m thinking about everything in the world and all the what ifs, maybes, whys, hows, whats, wheres, whens and the whole shebang. I want to act like it’s not bothering me at all, and 99.9% of the time, I succeed.
It’s very contradicting; I want to be alone, yet I crave company; and not just ANY company at that. I get picky.
I don’t like it; and I’ve tried to change it. I may have succeeded a little bit, I dunno. But it still bugs me. I think about it every day; it doesn’t take much for my brain to conjure up these things.
Do I need to talk to someone about it? Probably. WILL I talk about it? Probably not. And yes, it’s exactly for the reasons you think it is: I don’t want to sound whiny or needy, (God knows if I’ve already somehow put forth that front unconsciously as it is) and I don’t trust people enough to just confide in any of my friends; I’ve been betrayed of that trust one time too many.
Anyway… yeah. I guess this is just an update of how things have been going for me? I dunno.
Then again, I’m known for overthinking and sweating the small stuff.